These Donuts are Terrifying!

How can a simple mundane donut be terrifying? There are things that must be considered when one thinks on the subject of donuts. The worst part about donuts that i find is that they can destroy friendships. I've seen good friends turn a hateful eye on one another when a donut crisis struck. A few friends and I had had just gone to Krispy Kreme several years ago, and we bought three dozen donuts (we split the costs, and we were hungry ok?) Between the four of us, we had already agreed to split our three dozen evenly: nine each. However my friend, Justin, was extra hungry and had other plans. Ryan, our driver for the day, had to use the restroom. He had only eaten eight of his donuts. I was finishing my ninth and our other friend had finished his already. While we were all distracted chatting with each other, Justin slipped his hand into the inviting, pale green Krispy Kreme box searching for the final donut. What he didn't expect was Ryan's cunning. You see, he hadn't really gone to the restroom; Ryan had noticed Justin eyeing his last donut, and decided to see just how far he planned to go.
Obviously this was too far. Leaping from around the corner he was spying behind, Ryan bellowed his accusations at Justin of trying to rob him of the last donut. Caught in the act and outnumbered, as we were on Ryan's side, Justin did the only thing his lean and thin frame would allow: he took off out the door donut in hand. Ryan gave chase. At first I laughed, but then I saw that this was indeed a grave matter. If Justin was caught, I may just be down by one friend. I had to pounce on Ryan out in the parking lot; I couldn't let his monumental anger rob me of a good friend. I pinned him to the ground, and eventually saw the red tint fade from his eyes. We talked him down, but had all learned a valuable lesson: friends don't let friends steal donuts. Oh, and in case you were wondering about the fourth friend, he didn't really take part. Don't worry about it.
Now aside from that extended, but very important metaphor, there are other reasons that donuts should be hated. First and certainly foremost, donut can mean a replacement car tire, as well as a delicious, glazed bread. That's downright confusing. If speaking with someone who knows cars well, they may be skeptical when told "I bought a box of donuts yesterday." They may think you bough a box of tires! Next, they're unhealthy. Obviously I'm not a stickler for health- you can tell just by looking at me- but I still feel that if someones going to be overweight, at least do it by eating too much healthy food. Plus, donuts make for the most excruciatingly painful commercials. They just look so...delicious. It's difficult to resist, those commercials make even me want to run down to the local Kroger bakery and buy some. However, they draw in those who are faint of spirit. Donuts are a food that capitalize on people's most deep desires, and that's for extra sweet foods. Now I would hate to bore you, and I feel that I've gone on for a bit too long. Down with the donuts, don't give in!


I deleted the questions I originally had throughout the paper. They made it seem more rant-like, but overall I think they slowed the flow of the paper down. I added in the part about the tires. I thought going on that tangent might make it seem a bit more crazy, which is kind of what i was going for. I substituted a few descriptive adjectives for better, more accurate ones. The message and clarity are about the same, the only difference now is that a few words and phrases have been changed.